5:13min Vera Phillips (Keira Knightley) meets up with old flame Dylan Thomas (Matthew Rhys) in wartime London. “Her Welsh accent is really awful,” sniffs David Edmunds.

31:44min Vera and her new beau, army officer William Killick (Cillian Murphy), are at the Café de Paris when a German bomb explodes. “That actually happened,” says Jock Scott. “Bandleader Ken ‘Snake Hips’ Johnson and some of his West Indian Orchestra were killed.”

38:06min We hear Thomas’s poetry. “That is only the third time we’ve heard his poetry,” complains Richard Dyer.

40:66min The poet’s wife Caitlin (Sienna Miller) and Vera take a bath together. “This is like some Sapphic pop promo,” says Jock.

44:16min Thomas speaks. “I don’t believe this man is Dylan Thomas for one second,” growls Richard. “Dylan must be turning in his grave,” chuckles Vic Lambrusco.

63:45min Vera and Caitlin stroll on the beach outside their house in Carmarthen. “Sienna Miller looks like she’s in a Vogue fashion shoot from last week,” says Jock.

67:41min Vera drinks wine in the pub. “They didn’t sell wine in Welsh pubs until the Seventies,” says David. “In some places you can’t get one now.”

72:10min Caitlin is having affairs with locals. “The only one who comes out of this intact is Vera. Maybe that’s because Knightley’s mum wrote the script,” smiles David.

84:10min In a fit of jealousy, Killick fires a machinegun at Thomas’s house. No one is hurt. “It’s a wonder we won the war with soldiers as bad a shot as that,” giggles Vic.

96:11min Thomas testifies in court that the soldier was out to kill him and his family. “This is loosely based on a true story,” confirms David. “Thomas is pictured here as a covetous, philandering snitch, but the soldier did fire a gun through the ceiling while his kids were in bed.”

THE VERDICT

Our panel disliked the film unanimously and thought it besmirched the reputation of a man long dead and unable to defend himself.” If you’re looking for Dylan Thomas you will not find him here,” says Richard. “I wanted to like it but it was a terrifyingly awful film,” adds Jock. “I cannot think of one redeeming feature.”

The Edge of Love is out to buy and rent on DVD and to buy on Blu-ray. Richard Dyer’s A Western Journey is published this month. Jock Scott comperes at the Boogaloo Club (www.theboogaloo.co.uk). Thanks to Michael at the Colony Rooms.

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