Cheeni Kum

PG, 140 mins

The title of this London-set, Bollywood attempt at a Notting Hill romcom, about a chef who falls in love late in life, means “less sugar” – a reference to the cooking ingredients that play a recurring part throughout, as well as the film’s supposed lack of sentimentality. If only, as watching it feels like swimming through a Ganges of industrial-strength treacle with no prospect of land in sight.

With his silly 1980s hairdo and leisurewear, the Indian superstar Amitabh Bachchan is definitely old, but, unfortunately, decrepit old rather than Sean Connery old, which makes the central love affair with the lovely but passive Tabu rather creepy. The saccharin quotient isn’t exactly lessened by the presence of a kid with cancer (with the uncomfortable nickname of Sexy), who dispenses romantic advice throughout, and a battle-axe of a mother who only wants the best for her lonely son.

Scene follows protracted scene, and it is not helped by the director R Balki’s apparent faith in floaty, slow-motion sequences for conveying romantic longing. Unendurable.

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