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Oh that was painful. Agony. It was squirmingly, screamingly, startlingly bad. It was dull. It was plodding. It was morose. “When he speaks to you it's like a mental block; I just zone out,” said a woman on Newsnight's floating-voter panel the night before. “Cheer up!” the panel unanimously urged the Prime Minister.
Cheer up? I nearly hanged myself from my hotel trouser press. In place of levity we had seriousness, hard work and a moral purpose. And New Rules.
There were some nice lines, but mostly it was a list, not a speech: thud after thud of meaningless proclamations - we will be the party of law and order, we will be the party of the family, this will be the British century.
Voters wanted a sense of direction. He gave them health checks, broadband connections and nursery places for Mancunian two-year-olds. (You cannot legislate to end child poverty.) They wanted his personal journey. He told them how he was once not in danger of being half-blind - but of being completely blind. They wanted hope. He gave them a victims' commissioner.
Just as I emerged from under the pillow, home straight in sight, Mr Brown gave us David, the ten-year-old tortured to death, and 20,000 children dying from disease. This wasn't a speech, it was a funeral oration. Even the sole joke was miserable: lucky I never expected to be popular! Boom-boom.
And delegates lapped it up. This is Labour at its worst, introverted, dogmatic, and huddled around a loser.
It was “an excellent conference speech”, said David Blunkett afterwards - “it'll need a bit of assessment as to how much it reaches the public outside”. Nicely put.
Yes, we need a new settlement, with an exit door for Gordon Brown. He has to go and he will. In the strange otherworld that has passed for a conference this week - “taking tea on the Titanic”, as one minister put it - that much is absolutely clear. Mr Brown is a good, decent man but he cannot lead Labour to the next election, not even with
J.K. Rowling on his side. He cannot communicate and he cannot inspire. Look at the polls; Labour is facing obliteration. Mr Brown is its Voldemort, the flight of death.
But how? How should he go? That need not be nearly as bad as the crazed grins on the faces of half the Government this week have supposed. The answer lies in the return of Tony Blair's praetorian guard: Alastair Campbell, John Prescott, Neil Kinnock, Philip Gould, the ghosts of 1994.
New Labour has turned full circle. Peter Mandelson has even, hilariously, got himself into the identical position of actively supporting Mr Brown (they talk often on the phone) while knowing he should be supporting a different candidate, David Miliband or James Purnell or whoever it turns out to be. It will be fascinating to watch that one play out again.
The ghosts have, for the most part, got it completely, utterly wrong.
These guys should be managing an exit strategy for Mr Brown, not hanging out on the conference steps like dementors, bullying passers-by into accepting stickers or pledging loyalty to the leader. They have got themselves in the wrong place on this. As a short-term tactic it is just about OK, but it is not - to borrow a familiar critique Mr Campbell used to make of successive Tory leaders - a strategy. “None of them are in the same class as Gordon Brown,” Mr Prescott declared of putative rivals. That is absolutely untrue: wrong, wrong, wrong. The campaign for a Labour fourth term could destroy its chances of achieving one.
It is over. The Blair-Brown era needs to end and they all should leave the stage. Mr Blair, now supposedly Labour members' preferred leader by a massive 43 per cent (they wouldn't say that if he were still here), may be the solution to unravelling this. It was always about both of them, Blair and Brown, and they should finish it together. I understand that in private discussions the two men have already faced the reality that the Prime Minister might not last the term. Mr Brown is no fool and he is a good Labourite. I think he will find a way to end it.
He should do the best a good man in his position can do; work out an exit strategy, call a leadership election and remain as Prime Minister until Labour elects a new one, perhaps next spring. The alternative is the slow and painful decline of the Prime Minister, resignation following resignation until Labour is as wounded as its leader, Mr Brown trying to cling on until his preferred heir is ready to inherit the crown. Meanwhile, the Conservatives escape unscrutinised.
Labour needs to find the best, the person who can cast a spell, its Harry or Hermione. It isn't good enough to seek to clear the way for David Miliband, as some are trying to do. He has not done as well as he should have this week to be considered the natural heir apparent. “They used to say Michael Heseltine tickled the clitoris of the Tory conference,” remarked one bright Labour aide after watching him address 200 natural supporters at the ultra new Labour Progress group. “David has just come in and patted them on the head.” We need to see all the candidates in a clean, open contest, untainted by the ghosts and battles of 1994. Let us have no “Blairites” or “Brownites”. Let us have David Miliband, and Ed Balls, James Purnell, Harriet Harman, Jon Cruddas - anyone else who thinks they stand a chance. Andy Burnham, perhaps. Ed Miliband, even. They should all stand.
The contest must be as wide as possible, to see which one possesses the magic the party seeks. One thing this week has shown very clearly: there is nothing to be downhearted about. Labour has a lot of talent to showcase. But Mr Brown has to make space for it. That is his moral purpose.

Alice Miles has been with The Times since 1999. She began as a Parliamentary Sketch writer before becoming a columnist, writing mainly on politics and national issues such as education and health. She won Columnist of the Year in 2007.
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There is only one way for Labour to make a comeback. Bring back Tony Blair.
Raj Sharma, Exeter, UK
Brown says we don't need a novice in the current climate - is it better to have an 'experienced' incompetent like GB instead?
Anyone is better than Brown - except her Harperson.
For a Govt proposing equality, they have created the most unequal devolution, parental leave & recruitment policy
PK, London,
If you wanted a Govt that could be trusted, you wouldn't choose one which betrayed its promise of an EU referendum, gave unequal rights to the home nations & continued to act like it doesn't matter - because they say so.
Keep your promises & practice TRUE equality or get out of office!
Enough lies
PK, London,
It was a truly superb speech. It was everything I'd hoped for. The reaction to rally around the PM was everything I'd dreamed of. I couldn't have scripted it better. Bravo!
I'm a Conservative. Mr Brown is the best asset we have.
PS: Donald, London: Took you 10 years? I told you in '97
Dave , Notts, UK
Has Britian ever had a strategy other than muddle through? The Empire came by chance, Mrs Thatcher hit the unions on the head, B&B pontificated. Any child could tell you the real issues but apparently mature politicians can't? More than crazy.
Chris, London,
Not a Brown supporter but truly saddened by some of the comments here. Can such vitriol and education really go together?
Henryson, Caernarfon,
The answer is simple,call a general election,no further discussion needed.
Robert, Derby, UK
What planet are some of the above posters on? Pure hysterical Tory hyperbole.
If New Labour and Brown are 'socialist', why have they spent the last 11 years allowing the City to do what it wants and pay themselves obscene salaries. New Labour and Tories are two sides of the same free market coin.
Pete D, Bath, UK
Give the man a break, i cant remember anyone complaining 5 years ago when things were good.
Danny, Port Isaac, UK
Alice Miles is absolutely right. The speech was dull, uninspired and listless and Labour will crash to defeat at the next election with Brown at the helm. He can't inspire voters and as for all the 'eulogies' about him, I quote Obama. 'You can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig!'
Brian Fargher, Birmingham, United Kingdom
I totally agree with the article, Brown offers us 1970's style socialism with the return of class war. More scheme's, with little in the way of measurable outputs, all funded by the tax payer. After 11 years of Labour we have a country that is deeply in debt and little to show for Labours Largesse
Richard, Houghton,
For goodness sake leave the man alone and let him get on with the job.
Elizabeth Beevers, Rotherham, England
Completely disagree with the above comments. Brown is a man of integrity. It's ludicrous to put the effects of the global financial crisis at the feet of Brown - he is the only viable person to steer us through the coming volatile months. If Cameron was at the helm now I would be seriously worrie
Jane Bews, London,
This article and the related comments demonstrate the old adage, there's none so blind as those who do not wish to see. Brown answered all his critics magnificently, and I say that as a Blairite.
Stan Rosenthal, Lindfield, West Sussex, England
Dear Father Christmas,
Can I have a new Prime Minister and a Nintendo wii, please? And don't forget to give us our independence as well because French government (EDF) has just bought our no longer British Energy.
Yours sincerely,
Ahmad, a Muslim who is fasting, from Edinburgh
Ahmed, Edinburgh, Scotland
So after ten years of rising taxes and increasing social control you actually believe labour can survive? The only thing they deregulated was pubs - ask the police and hospitals about the results of that one!
Socialism is communism by vote and it doesn't have mine.
KR, Stockport,
Given that most of the left have departed the Labour Party, I think the best thing for the country would be a Labour-Liberal coalition. The Blairites could join the Tories.
Andrew , London, UK
Of course there's no Heseltine figure in the wings. Labourites are told what to say, what to think, what to do. They are browbeaten and bullied by the biggest control freak since Hitler. Broon is an inept coward who should spend the rests of his life in the wilderness. Go now, Crash Gordon.
Bill Harding, Yorkshire,
Hm Labour must find the person who can cast a spell - this lot would be hard pressed to find a person who can spell.
The public would not fall for Blair's smoke and mirrors again in a hurry and Labour never had anything else but "wouldn't it be nice if everything was nice" grow up - it isn't!
edward green, Upminster,
Brown is a sad deluded man: not a decent man. Somewhere deep inside him may have felt moral indignation at the inequalities of life or even some slight but his entry into politics was about holding power for vindictive vengeful reasons rather than the passion to shape society into something better.
Karen, london, UK
The problem with GB's 'vision' is that whatever he claims it to be today, his policies have and will contradict him which is why noone believes a word he says anymore!
PK, UK,
Ignore the petulant unoriginal comments here Alice, this was a good article which diagnoses the problem perfectly. Indeed an open contest is the best way to solve this - Purnell is my choice but I would be happy with someone else given how woefully inadequate a leader Brown has proved to be.
Matthew Blott, Harlow Town, United Kingdom
Speech was good enough for the left wing of Labour - go to Labourhome. They are happy. GB has appeased the left, so he is safe for now. Bad for the UK, bad for Labour, good for GB. The voters still hate him. Labour might still ditch him, but not for a while. Let him have his moment of happiness.
Ken, Oxford,
Someone wake me up when he's finished zzzzzz
Matt, Ruthin,
Now, here's another piece of rhetorical spin - free prescriptions for cancer sufferers. They would pay at most £105 for a year's prescription ticket. Hospital car park charges (free, of course, in Scotland and Wales) would dwarf that!
Howard, Chester,
Whether or not Brown is a nice man is hardly the point: I'm sure Cameron is a nice man too. The point is, who has the best policies? Brown just seems unable to provide a clear narrative of his vision and how ALL his major policies relate to it - just when the Tories are doing this increasingly well.
Simon, London, UK
Alice, I'm frankly staggered by your analysis of Gordon's speech. You don't mention the big topics that he tackled head-on (the economic crisis, the NHS, social care) and instead repeatedly critise him for not being entertaining enough. You seem to be suggesting that our politicians and leaders...
Ben Paul, Telford, England
Its taken you ten years, Alice, to wake up to the fact that Labour (nu or old) is socialist rubbish that eventually and inevitably ruins the country. Your years of sycophantic support of Blair and Brown contributed, even if only in a small way, to the hideous mess we are in now. Hang your head girl.
Donald, London,
'Good, decent man'. I don't think so.
Better a novice than a proven failure.
Andrew Douglas, London,
There will be no challenge prior to a general election - why stand if you're then going to be the one who loses it (and they will). So GB will continue until then - the only way out is an early election, but that then beings an end to GB being PM - which he sought so many years for. We're all doomed
Nik, Kent,
Paul in Lincoln .. get your facts straight..Scots pay tuition fees too .. there is no free education .. and we pay for prescriptions and certainly pay to care for our elderly. What planet are you living on exactly ??????
susan, glasgow,
You say 'You cannot legislate to end child poverty.' Maybe not. But 19thC. laissez-faire Tory politicians said much the same when social reformers wanted to legislate to reduce the maximum working day for children aged under ten. Legislation can help change things for the better.
Neil, Stockport, Cheshire
Great piece, Alice, but for one thing. There is no PM material to be seen anywhere among this shower. They are all ZaNuLab drones hell bent on policies guaranteed to bring this country further to is knees.
The whole lot must go. Now.
Paul, Cambridge, UK
"So Brown is the man to see us through a major UK recession that's mainly his creation. That's like having the arsonist in charge of the fire brigade."
Richard, Newcastle, England
Richard you have summed it up to a tee. He made the mess and now wants us to believe he can sort it out!
Chris, Cornwall,
If this Government was a horse it would have to be shot...
Matt, Leeds, UK
A dirge of a speech, same old "we will do this, we are this, we are that" as for the good wife, pass the sick bag. Been watching the yanks or what? Broon has more visions than a drugged up shamen and is as dull as ditchwater. As for the Labour apparatchiks, what a shower! Cloud cuckoo land anyone?
eddie, hampshire, uK
"Mr Brown is a good, decent man"
After eleven years of Labour deceit, overspending, and control freakery . . . I cannot imagine why you think this.
Alex Swanson, Milton Keynes, UK
Get George Galloway accepted back to the party.
At least he is interesting to listen to.
But can he vault to become a candidate for leadership, if accepted?
He certainly would be a house hold name that they lack!
P Darlington, Southampton, UK
I am getting fed up with hearing how good we have it in Scotland. We do still have prescription charges though they are lower than in England, 'free' care for the elderly is a shambles, mental healthcare in my area is almost non existant and the NHS generally is every bit as bad as in England.
Chowbelanna, Perth, UK
It was a poor speech and I struggle to understand the media comments which suggest otherwise. The best that can be said for it is that it wasn't a disaster. Brown is not up to the job, but where is the replacement? The cabinet has a total absence of leadership material, certainly no Hesletine.
Jack, Southampton, UK
Took the words right out of my mouth !!!!!!
IAN PAYNE, WALSALL,
Bryan, Totland,
Absolutely spot on, could'nt agree more. Brown is a sanctimonious, self-righteous, condescending hypocrite who takes us all for fools. Yesterday's speech changed nothing, and the cynical use of his wife whilst claiming that his children are not props" was truly abhorrent.
John, Nottingham, UK
There may be some talent in the labour Party, but Brown has spent 10 years trying to extinguish it; by dictating to departments how much they will have to spend, but also dictating their spending priorities; by hiding when things go wrong or decisions have to be made; by stabbing everybody.
David Leslie, Perth, Scotland
You have hit nails on the head but the man IS clearly difunstctional (sorry! touch of the Prescott's, his big fan). Brown should be a solitary rat-catcher in the drains under London. There he can shuffle and mumble, smile illogically, laugh wierdly and at least not put the Nation into more debt.
John, Kouvola, Finland
So Brown is the man to see us through a major UK recession that's mainly his creation. That's like having the arsonist in charge of the fire brigade.
Richard, Newcastle, England
Why do you spoil an article by making the grossly dishonest statement that Brown is a good,decent man ? he is neither and if you paid some attention to the spiteful, underhand treachery, lies and bullying he has employed to further his career and ideology you might like to retract the comment
Bryan, Totland, UK
Fairnes is at the centre of Gordons vision. Fairness that takes 5billion from private pensions but leaves theirs infalted. Fairness that gives Scots no tuition fees, free prescriptions, and free elderly care. Fairness that lets in terrosists but not the Gurkhas. He needs a white stick.
Paul, Lincoln, England
The country is sick to the pit of it's stomach with self-righteous socialism, political correctness & spin. Brown then feeds us another dose of the same. The economy is a smoking ruin, a tribute to his incompetence as chancellor...for Gods sake... (and ours) Go now!
John
Burton
John Barkham, Burton-upon-Trent, UK
Not very good, was it? Hardly 'Once more unto the breach' stuff, was it? Although he has certainly 'filled the wall up with our British dead' - dead of boredom, of fury that these people from Planet Inept are still in power. One is incapable of believing that our treasured isle could breed such.
john problem, Hackney Wick, UK
The Labour party is very badly managed. The problems they have will not get better by postponing action. GB's "successful" speech is probably the worst thing that could happen - it will convince them that inaction is a positive choice.
Annihilation beckons.
Ray, Cambridge, UK
Government has stopped. I know, I have friends who deal with it everyday. There's no money and no plan. We are not being led, we're being fleeced and dumped.
Time for this government to step aside and let others with ideas take over.
Richard Williams, London, UK
Once upon a time, at the end of a dire music hall act, the audience world cheer enthusiastically and clap like mad to signify the act was finished and they would not have to endure any more pain. Gordon's speech proved just how bad he is.
albert hall, hove, england
The country needs more than a zombie leadership - times are too tough and we need people to inspire from the front with a vision and answers, not simply play the old record and turn us off.
Rob, Birmingham, UK
The reason that Tony Blair is the choice of such a high percentage of Labour party members is that almost everyone who believes in Labour's true values has left in disgust.
Daphne Millar, LONDON,
If Gordon does resign or is told to stand down then we need to have a General Election.
Anything else will be an affront to democracy.
I would be astonished if just by changing leader the public would be so stupid as to forgive and forget the damage New Labour has caused with their policies
Stephen Holmes, Withington, UK
Labour has a lot of talent to showcase! Sorry, but I must have dozed off for a second. Which stone are they hiding under?
Donna Walker, Effingham, England
Dear Alice, even you have succumbed to the delusion that NuLab may yet have something to offer.
Despite the inherent risks and unknowns, this lifelong labour supporter has now diverted his party political support to the Liberal Democrats.
Yes, things can only get better.
Mike L, Chippenham,
If the contender is in a safe seat, why stand? They will then almost certainly lead the party to a defeat, and be tainted with the poison of the old administration. Or they can wait, let Brown fall on his sword, and be a "new" candidate of "renewal".
There is no incentive to stand now.
Nick, France,
Let us have Milliband? And Balls?? And Harman?? Methinks "anyone else" might be a better option.
Callan, Liverpool, England
Gordon's speech was indeed boring , but by far the dullest orator was his Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling,. Not a memorable phrase or concept ; almost as poor as the feather-weight Tory Osborne last year. Come on down Vince Cable! On the economy we all need you if only to be awakened!
Noel Thompson, Tavistock,Devon, England
An exit strategy is needed for Brown, certainly, and an exit strategy for the rest of them, too. Can I suggest something along the lines of 'Stand not on the order of your going ...'?
Few people will be interested in who leads them in their years of opposition.
Ben Elford, Bristol,