Rod Liddle
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There is a fearful symmetry to the world. Last Thursday evening we broke out the champagne because we were finally rid of Sir Ian Blair as boss of the Metropolitan police.
I actually pulled a muscle in my neck jumping up and down in delight; we rang the neighbours. They came round, already half cut, with gifts. There was a sort of carnival atmosphere – we put the central heating on for the first time since July and got the vodka out.
It was, for a brief moment, a bit like when Nelson Mandela got released from prison, bunting everywhere and glorious statements. This country has not seen a more politically craven copper, a policeman more willing to do whatever ludicrous nonsense was asked of him by the government, than Sir Ian Blair.
Never mind his penchant for having innocent Brazilians shot on the Tube – it’s the other stuff, his desperation to save his own skin, the fatuous pronouncements about Islam or the Soham murders, his delight in lucrative contracts going to a close friend.
It was more the notion that no matter how spectacularly useless they might be, monkeys such as Blair are somehow immune from censure and discipline. They live in a world beyond the one that you and I inhabit, where the state of being utterly hopeless does not remotely impinge upon their tenure or their salary. Until Boris Johnson, the new mayor of London, came along.
However, then we all awoke, the hangover not remotely having receded, to the news that Peter Mandelson was, astonishingly, to take up a place in the cabinet.
Listen: I’ve got a theory. It’s the Quantity Theory of Awful People; one goes, another comes along to fill his place.
Graham Norton has been thankfully absent from your television sets for the past few months – not to worry, here’s Jimmy Carr with a new series. Frank Lampard dropped by England? Well, here’s Ashley Cole back in the side. The Quantity Theory of Awful People – no matter what happens there will never, ever, be fewer of them in public life. The total number of people you see on your television screens every day who you wish might be suddenly evaporated by an alien death ray or consumed in some terrible conflagration will remain absolutely constant.
Blair bows out, here’s Mandelson back, grinning from ear to ear, unable to believe his luck, pledging his utmost support to a man we suspect he still can’t abide and whom he will undermine – subtly at first and then without restraint once the election has been lost – back in power.
The commonly accepted thing to say about Mandelson is that he is repulsive, yes, but clearly highly intelligent and a capable man and so on. I think that’s about half right. If pushed, I would say that the earlier part of the sentence carries the burden of truth, if I'm honest.
The notion of him being an adroit and brilliant politician has always mystified me and not simply because he once, in the foyer of a hotel, removed his trousers in front of me while being interviewed. I can cope with that and in some cases – Caroline Flint, for example – I would actively welcome such a development.
However, I think that a clever politician would not have been sacked twice from government, nor contrived to make himself loathed by the entire Labour movement.
I keep being drawn back to Alastair Campbell’s diaries with their reports of Mandelson’s perpetual scheming and borderline wacko hissy fits. You know, I’m not certain that Keir Hardie would have hit it off that well with Mandy. I suspect they would have rubbed one another up the wrong way.
They have a lot in common, Sir Ian and his replacement Peter. Too keen an interest in how they were viewed by public opinion and, paradoxically, too scant an understanding of why in the end they were so disliked. Two sides of the same coin, really.

Two of France’s most prominent intellectuals, the vacuous philosopher Bernard-Henri Lévy and the delightfully misanthropic novelist Michel Houellebecq, have written a book together complaining about how appallingly they are treated in their home country. Vilified in newspapers, public whipping boys and so on. They should be so lucky: if they were English intellectuals they’d be ignored entirely.
It is true that some people wished to chop off Salman Rushdie’s head, but most of those were fanatical Muslim jihadists (and a few fellow British novelists, obviously). By and large our intellectuals live their lives entirely free of even the briefest consideration in the national press, which is far too busy with nonintellectuals such as Amy Winehouse, Jade Goody and Giles Coren.
It helps that in France the parents of intellectuals get in on the act – Houellebecq’s mum recently called her son a “stupid little bastard”. His mum, has become the French equivalent of Sharon Osbourne, a lionised egotist who owes her fame entirely to her son. But rather Mrs Houellebecq than Mrs Osbourne. And rather, by a million miles, Michel than Ozzy.
The wrong sort of vice girl
Sarah Palin, the Alaskan-separatist-pig-in-lipstick, had not the slightest intention of allowing her complete lack of knowledge about almost everything to spoil her debate with the Democrat vice-presidential candidate, Joe Biden. “I may not answer the questions in the way in which the moderators or you want to hear, but I am going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record,” she said, straight-faced, her make-up not cracking. And so, by employing the clever strategy of not answering anything properly, and then winking in the manner of a mid-market call girl, she emerged a sort of victor. Despite revealing the intellect and political experience of a whelk. A heartbeat away, remember.
Er, sorry: Tories’ rail apology is delayed
The Conservative party has unveiled an exciting new transport initiative – a high-speed rail link which will whisk commuters at the speed of light to a railway siding near Didcot Parkway where they will wait while “Railtrack carries out essential engineering work. We would like to thank you for travelling with First Great Western and wish to apologise for ruining your entire life and any inconvenience this may entail”.
It is true that Labour has not yet apologised for the invasion of Iraq, but we should remember, too, that the opposition has yet to apologise for having privatised British Rail and chopping it up into little bits. One assumes it was attempting to outdo the previously most spectacular act of state vandalism – that recommended by another Conservative appointee 45 years ago, Dr Beeching.
A tacit acknowledgment that John Major’s rail privatisation was a hideous mistake would not go amiss, preferably before they start telling us about glitzy new schemes which will not remotely improve the lot of ordinary commuters, who are sick of being told that the chief steward is called Bob and that no sensibly priced tickets are valid on this particular service and we’re really sorry for the delay/lack of seats/smell of dried fish and that there’s no buffet because the dog ate my homework and so on and so on.

A lady in Ohio has been jailed for dressing up as a cow and chasing “terrified” children. As we have learnt from the credit crunch, what happens in America is eventually repeated here. What shall we do when huge herds of women converge on our town centres, lowing?

Rod Liddle left his post as editor of the BBC's Today programme in 2002, after a row about impartiality in an article he wrote for The Guardian. He was formerly a speechwriter for the Labour Party. As well as writing for The Sunday Times, he contributes to The Spectator and Country Life and presents current affairs documentaries on television
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I have alaways found the same. I'm a Labour Member and no one I know likes JP due to his extreme right wing views dressed up a nu-labour doublespeak. Newspapers put him as a possible Labour Leader,how could he without the members voting? MP's fix again? You wait
James , Brighton, England
McCain picked the perfect running mate for the seven days following his choice. He stole all the headlines from Obama's speech, energised the Republican base and got the short-term poll boost he required. But hard times call for more than gimmicks - Mitt Romney would've been ideal now.
Christopher, Manchester,
Absolutely right Chris Thompson, in the same way as SNCF's track was split into RFF in France, to prevent natural monopolies in train services. The same principle applies in energy markets, in order to favour Third Party Access.
Pierre Bernardi, Paris, France
RE: Governor Palin's preformance from last Thurs. 10/02 evening debate:
"The precipitation in the Iberian peninsula is concentrated primarily in the flat, low-lying central regions..."
Scott Benowitz, Rye, New York, U.S.A.
Re.failed politicians,I believe it was Plato who observed that anyone who sought high office should not be entrusted with it.
Eddy, Bury St.Edmunds,
Loved the article. Can we have replacements for Piers Morgan and Russel Brand. Though unfortunately they'd probably just replacing each other.
Dean, Southampton, England
Jan C,
You're kidding, aye? If not, then 'Lowing' is the noise cows make. As described in the article. From 'Away in a Manager' - The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes...etc. Well, it is nearly Christmas.
Great article as usual Rod.
Sooty, Edinburgh,
as a gay american from a blue state the prospect of her being elected fills me with dread. and amusement..to quote the religious fanatics who hijacked this government. " we are in the end times"
rik, boston, was the usa
Some Americans recognize Sarah Palin's debate performance was nothing more than a 90-minute stump speech. And she apparently reads so many newspapers a day that she can't name one of them... Can I come live with you if the Republicans win again?
Lori Chandler, Guerneville, USA
McCain needed a dumb running mate to make him look smarter.
And, what what does a vice president do anyway.
What horrifies me is that McCain has a heart attack and a menapausal Palins finger hovers over the nuclear button..
brian bunting, Chorley, United Kingdom
Palin was less adept at disguising avoidance of answering a question than Obama, McCain or Biden.
When Bliar reejcted Mandy, he declinced. Mandy put Brown in his place. Mandy was New Labour. In it's hour of greatest need, who else should lead the final battle agians the Tory toffs?
Harlan Leyside, Basildon, England
And Barack Obama has the experience of...?
And as far as who knew facts in the debate, Joe Biden thinks the US and France kicked Hezbollah out of Lebanon.
He mentioned something about Bosniacs too.
And he's got experience 127 years in the senate.
lisa, portland, usa
This is from the country that has Gordon Brown John Prescott and Peter Mandelson in charge of the country. You showed us! Sorry, can't finish this comment laughing too hard...
Simon, St. Louis, usa
Sarah Palin. We have an English comedian called Michael Palin. The main difference is that I laugh with Michael and laugh at Sarah.
She survived the debate because she'd learned the scripts beforehand. If she had been honest and answered questions it would have been as hilarious as previous times
Alan Davidson, Bournemouth,
Rod Liddle is a wet end.
Comments posted by such wet ends and published by this "news" source have about as much relevance to the American voting public as do stories on Rime Royal and Fox Hunting...
Good luck with your 15 seconds of fame, Roddy...
American Voter
Tran, Salem, U.S.A.
If Sarah Palin has the intellect and experience of a whelk, where does the average Labour politican stand?
peterj, Aberdeen, uk
Can Rod explain what animal a woman would be mimicing by "lowing"? Is it a bakewell tart that is nice and nutty? I have no idea what "lowing" is?
Jan C, Swansea,
Recently returned from a wedding in the UK some of you Brits were afraid of me because Im from Alabama US Minds changed after brief conversation (Im sure the ale helped). However, I was very surprised at the contempt and ignorance of (most things) America. 'YA'LL' got it wrong on Palin +socialism
John Akridge, Alabama, USA
Dont worry about Sarah Palin -- her fifteen minutes are nearly up. Most Americans vote their wallets or investment portfolios, and most are going to blame Republicans for the market crash. But lighten up on Mrs. Palin, fellas -- she's adding a bit of zest to the proceedings but nothing more.
Rufus P. Firefly, Arlington (Virginia), USSA
It's not true, Chris. Europe couldn't care less if our railways are privatised, public owner or run by Martians. They were privatised because parts were unprofitable and the Major administration (in conjunction with utterly incompetent civil servants) was incapable of turning them around.
Zoe Robinson, Manchester, UK
You pretty well nailed Palin! Biden had to "fight" with one hand tied behind his back, while Palin did her "cute" comedy routine. She lacked in humanity and warmth though, like a programmed android. Joe Biden showed himself to be the authentic one of the two when he told about his family tragedy.
Donna Hughes, Story City, Iowa, USA
Dunno about Sarah Palin, but Barack Obama's running mate has revealed the intellect and political experience of....who is he/she again? The backing of Obama by the dim-witted Hollywood mafia and their counterparts in New York and beyond should be all voters need to know to vote Republican.
David, London,
I read somewhere that the railways were nationalised in this way because it was the only structure that was acceptable under EU rules. Does anyone know if this is true?
Chris Thompson, Rotherham, England
Whelks have pretty shells -- alright, alright, so does Sarah Palin. But I'm sure that if you were to investigate the matter properly you would find that whelks occupy an important place -- alright, some place -- in the ecosystem.
Now, can you say the same about her? Don't be mean to whelks, Rod.
Nick, St. Catharines, Canada
Sarah Palin has something none of the other candidates have: actual experience running things, aka "executive experience". This puts her head and shoulders above Biden, who probably couldn't run a successful lemonade stand. The presidency and VP are *executive* jobs, and experience counts!
Barium, California, USA
Jimmy Carr is very funny, and Sharon Osbourne is married to fame, not mother to it.
John, Edinburgh,
What does it say about the English when in most countries a comedian is a comedian but in England he is a comic 'genius' .
Jimmy Carr is not funny.
Douglas Maxwell, Richmond, Yorkshire
I wonder if the subsidy required to run the secondary rail routes closed by Dr Beeching (MIke, Newbury) would have been anywhere near the threefold increase in public subsidy required by the railway since 1996.
Rob, Leeds, England
Gordon Brown is simply incompetent.
Why did mcCain choose someone as arrogantly ignorant as Sarah Palin over other intelligent republican candidates? She has no credentials as her interviews clearly prove & the VP is a job way over her head, george bush at least had some brains next to him.
heath, surrey, UK
Rod
Hilarious on Palin. I must say that you don't pull any punches. Great stuff...
Paddy Briggs, Teddington,
Make the police take off their medals [unless they were serving soldiers] and take off the ridiculous flat hats. Blair's problem was he liked the look in the mirror and was media man instead of a policeman. Appoint a major from the army instead.
jane fleming, WHITTLESEY, United Kingdom
I chose to believe that, by appointing Mandelson, Gordon Brown is finally showing us his sense of humour.
'I'm toast anyway so let's have a laugh.'
tim knight, birmingham, england
Why do people persist in the myth that the railways were better when they were state run? They were NOT . They were truly appalling. As for Beeching, you can imagine the sort of article Liddle would be writing if the taxpayer was still subsidising every little branch line.
mike, Newbury,
OK, someone likes Jimmy Carr. I think Amy Winehouse is a terrific singer and others can take their choices, BUT how could anyone with more than four brain cells support Sarah Palin?
David, Bromley,
Sorry Rod - agree with most of that cept the part about Jimmy Carr - the guy's a comic genius - ok he is insulting, but read between the lines - he makes alot of astute observations about our society
Richard Loach, London, UK