I had a very acrimonious divorce from my first wife. Without going into the
details, I no longer see my two sons, aged 8 and 14, or my 20-year-old
stepdaughter from this marriage: nor, it seems, do they want to see me. My
first wife was, and probably still is, a dangerous manipulator of my
children's feelings, and I suspect that their feelings were severely
influenced by her. I do not attempt to contact or see them because I believe
that they have been forced to see contact as hurting their mother's
feelings.
In the US this is termed parental alienation syndrome. It is not recognised
in UK family courts, but I won't waste time talking about the UK family
legal system. Suffice to say, not all Fathers4Justice supporters are lager
louts. Recently I joined the social networking site MySpace, and noticed
that my eldest son and stepdaughter have accounts. Would it be OK to contact
them or would this do more harm than good, raising all sorts of
half-forgotton ill-feelings and family politics? Common sense tells me not
to even attempt to contact them, but to wait for that fateful day when (if?)
they search and find my contact details. Presumably they are happy with the
status quo. You might say that the same argument applies to letters, but of
course the advantage of MySpace is that my ex-wife is not in control of such
contact. However, I suspect that they would feel “harrased” (via their
mother) if I even attempted any form of contact other than the yearly
birthday and Christmas cards. I now have a new wife and family, and part of
me wants to forget my previous family now... but part of me wants to be
there in some way. So, should I drop them a line via MySpace or wait for
them to find me online?
- Mike
It is estimated that there are up to 200,000 relationship breakdowns involving
children each year: they usually result in fathers having less contact with
their children, sometimes none at all. Your story is sadly familiar and
painful to read because in the fallout from your marital breakdown there are
so many casualties - especially the children. Clearly your story is more
complicated than you can tell here and there is more than one side to the
story (everyone will have their version of events), but what is clear is the
amount of anger that has cut through parent-child relationships and how that
has led to substantial loss for so many.
Unless a parent has been abusive and can't be rehabilitated, or is a risk to
the health and wellbeing of their children, there is no acceptable reason
why they should cease to have contact after a separation. Children value the
relationships they have with their parents, and even in the most disturbed
and dysfunctional circumstances there will be an attempt to enable
supervised access so that children can keep a connection with a parent.
However, given that divorce can be so acrimonious, children are often caught
in the crossfire of adults' emotional assaults on each other. With emotions
running high, parents can behave in the most selfish and ruthless manner and
use their children as allies and missiles, rather than having the maturity
to acknowledge that their issues as adults have nothing to do with the
children. I despair when I am faced with families at war: I see troubled and
anxious children pulled back and forth, their loyalties challenged and
polluted with the bile and hatred pouring from irrationally hurt and angry
parents. In the short term children may appear to be coping (in fact,
probably just trying to keep the peace), but in the long term such childhood
experiences can have devastating effects on their own adult relationships
and relationships with their own offspring.
You mention parental alienation (PA), first described in the 1980s by the
forensic psychiatrist Dr Richard Gardner. When a child eventually begins
supporting the negative, hostile and angry position of one parent (and
believes this to be his or her own decision), PA becomes parental alienation
syndrome (PAS): its features include access and contact-blocking, unfounded
abuse allegations, deterioration in relationships since separation, and
intense hostility and/or fear reaction by children.
Although this syndrome has not been formally recognised by either the American
Psychological Association or the American Medical Association, you are right
that, in the US, case law has sometimes recognised it in child custody
disputes. However, its use in such cases, which are heavily litigated and
filled with accusations and counter-accusations, is highly contentious, and
there are concerns that it could be used by one abusive parent against
another genuinely afraid and protective parent.
For any father who finds himself in the desperate situation of having limited
or no contact with his children despite court-agreed access arrangements, I
recommend finding support both legally and emotionally. The Fatherhood
Institute (www.fatherhoodinstitute.org)
offers a listing of all support services for separated dads; www.dad.info
offers advice on all aspects of fatherhood, including separation; Families
need Fathers (www.fnf.org.uk ) has a
helpline, 08707 607496, as does ParentLine Plus on 0808 8002222 (www.parentlineplus.org.uk).
For court and legal advice go to www.cafcass.gov.uk and
www.resolution.org.uk.
You ask whether you should contact your children via MySpace. If your son and
stepdaughter have not set their privacy settings they are, in effect,
allowing anyone to contact them. Your 14-year-old son may lack the judgment
to critically evaluate who is contacting him, and so should really use
privacy settings to restrict contacts to friends. But your stepdaughter is
an adult and is probably the one to contact; she is outside the jurisdiction
of her mother.
However, given that you contact them with cards at birthdays and Christmas,
what is wrong with contacting both of them via MySpace? It's not as if you
are suddenly arriving on the doorstep in person. If they don't wish to
acknowledge you, they won't, and they can block you from contacting them
again.
What you have to think about is what you want to achieve. Do you have a
genuine desire to be in their lives or does this just present itself as an
opportunity to contact them without their mother knowing? If they don't
respond, do you intend to pursue other avenues to regain contact and a
relationship? What would this attempt at contact mean in the long term?
These are fundamental questions that only you can answer, but I would advise
that before you type a message and press the send button, you think long and
hard about what you want to achieve, how you will follow through and how you
will deal with any potential fallout, both for you and your son and
stepdaughter. If MySpace hadn't presented you with an easy communication
option, would you at this time be considering contacting your children by
other more traditional means?
If you have a family or psychological problem, e-mail Tanya at drtanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk
I'd say contact them. Show them you care at the least, without making demands.
If their mother is being selfish and unreasonable she will reap what she sows when their own bitterness matures.
Laura, Birmingham,
Sometimes what is seen as a negative or vengeful ex partner, is anything but and such language is counterproductive as often everyone involved has to get on with their own lives. As long as the children are genuinely loved and know a parent is there for them.
Anna, Peterborough,
None of the do-gooding societies listed here are of any use if the mother chooses to withold the kids there is nothing you can do even if you have a contact order she is not compeled to return to court if you bring it ,yet bet your bottom dollar they would rule against you if you failed to show up!
Dave Farmer, Broxbourne, England
I'd say you should contact them and as Tanya suggests you should have a robust plan of what you will do if this door closes for you. Parenting is not a passive role, so don't wait for the children to find you, by then they would have lost so much of what their father could give them. Best of luck.
David R Thomas, Manchester, England
Australia mirrors the UK culturally & legally.
The onus is on the humbled and humiliated father to salvage something from the ruins. A 10 year study of over 30,000 families by QLD University concluded the banishment of natural father had "unexpected" serious wellbeing consequences on the children.
Dennis, Sydney, Australia
Yes,contact them. As a mother who,s ex husband has no time for our son, I am well aware of the damage it has done to him, the rejection and abandonment has caused him a great deal of pain and will continue to do so through out his life.
Children need to know they are loved.
jane, bude, uk
I am a male invesitgative writer looking into PAS, and, unfortunately, after a bitter divorce, parents become more concerned with personal "rights" rather than the best interest of the children. And, unfortunately, be it mother or father, the only people who lose in PAS fights are the children!!
charlie, Augusta, USA
I agree with Peter. Let them know you're still around, contactable, still thinking of them and love them.
You wont of lost anything more than what has been lost already.
Raja, Wimbledon,
I think you should contact them and tell them how much you love them :).
Peter, Hampshire.
Peter Morgan, Yateley, England
Studies have shown that kids often feel resentful of dad having ''abandoned'' them - when in fact mum prevented dad getting close. It is really important that excluded dads let the kids know that they still love/care about them - even if they hear nothing back. Kids turn into adults, enjoy that time
alain williams, watford,