My mother died in 2004 leaving my brother and me as executors of her will. I am the eldest of four and I have two younger sisters. Before my mum died she was in hospital for six months after a minor operation that went tragically wrong. When she was discharged she was practically paralysed from the waist up and I had to organise round-the-clock care. My two younger sisters often refused to take their turn in looking after her and from then on there has been constant disagreement. When my mum died I organised the funeral and made sure everyone was able to contribute to it. Since then, however, despite ensuring that all matters relating to the estate are available to all, every decision I try to make is belittled and questioned, even though I do not have all the answers as the solicitor still deals with some aspects. It got to the point where rude texts were being circulated. Anger is rarely directed towards my brother, it is mostly about me. One sister even involves my niece and nephew, who are rude to me but not to my brother. After one particularly nasty incident I did not speak to this sister for six months. Several weeks ago my husband suggested that I call her and ask to come to her house to discuss the situation. She phoned back to say that she didn't want me to come over, but that she would come to me. I decided not to go ahead as I believe that she should be open about where the meeting should be. I would welcome your suggestions on how to close this increasing chasm in our family.

Gwen

Concern about increasing levels of family breakdown is most often raised in the context of divorce or separation. But, as your letter illustrates, families can fracture at any time in life and the result can be just as devastating and painful.

To get perspective on this issue, it is important to look across the whole family and consider why relationships are leading to such tension. You describe how you were “left” to care for your mother while your younger sisters appeared not to take their share of the responsibilities. It is, to a certain extent, up to the individual to decide for him or herself how much or how little he or she wants to get involved in the care of an elderly parent - and this will usually be determined by the strength of his or her relationship with the parent.

While I understand your feelings, I wonder whether you had expectations of your other siblings that they did not wish to fulfil. I respect that you feel there was an imbalance about who did what, but is your unhappiness about this being interpreted by the others as patronising and disapproving, and hence their behaviour towards you now?

Siblings will often take on, be assigned or perceive each other to have different roles. These roles often carry huge amounts of historical emotional baggage. Favouritism is frequently one of the biggest sources of disagreement and conflict among siblings. The attention of a parent is a limited resource that siblings will fight over and resentments build if one is seen as being the favourite. It is not uncommon in later years, when there is a need for time and care to be given to a parent, that disgruntled siblings will give only as much as they felt they got as children. And they also show their long-held envy for the “favourite” by seeing it as that sibling's role to do most of the caring. In other words, you got more time and attention from mum at our expense so now you can give it back when she needs it.

Alongside the issue of favouritism lies our own internalised notion of how we were perceived by our parents. We may hold on to emotional memories, positive and negative, that shape our beliefs about how respected and valued we were as a child.

We may remember conversations or arguments in which things were said that are now branded on our minds. I once worked with a family in a similar situation and one adult sibling recalled that she never felt “good enough” for her parent and bitterly resented that her parent was now dependent on her and was very reluctant to be the carer.

Alternatively, a sibling who never felt “good enough” may see the dependent parent as providing the opportunity for them to finally “prove herself”, and so over-compensate by trying to get some last appreciation from the parent whose esteem she always craved.

Whether you were trying to gain your mother's approval or just having to do the lion's share of caring because your siblings didn't feel they were favoured or respected enough to get involved now, only you and your family will know. One thing's for sure: everybody's perceptions will differ and to try to discuss it will most likely end in emotional meltdown. This is the case in your situation and I suspect that to attempt this without some kind of mediation will be a disaster.

Mediation is a very useful way for families in conflict to find their own rational and adult solutions. Traditionally, couples who are separating or divorcing will use such a service, but sometimes families in dispute over elderly relatives can find it helpful. A fully trained and impartial mediator will hear all concerns and come up with solutions (which may include legal action) for all. There is no counselling, just sensible and impartial advice and support. There is a Family Mediation hotline 0845 6026627 and also further information at familymediationhelpline.co.uk.

If you also feel that you need legal advice then contact the Law Society on 0870 6062555 or at lawsociety.org.uk. Free independent legal advice (for those who qualify) can be found at communitylegaladvice.org.uk and 0845 345 4345. Advice Now also offers information for families in conflict: advicenow.org.uk.

It must be upsetting to receive rude texts and to feel that the younger members of the family are also getting involved. Your mother's death has clearly ripped through the family in a destructive way. Grief is a powerful and sometimes debilitating emotion and it seems to me that your siblings are also mourning the loss of their mother and, to some degree, projecting their related anger on to you.

Maybe you represent the maternal figure in the family (you certainly did when you were acting as the main carer for your mother) and so the younger siblings are now “acting out”, almost like children, and you have become the focus for this.

What is clear is that you need support - mediation or legal advice - to manage these disputes. I do not advise a family meeting unless it is in a neutral place with the terms of engagement and discussion points agreed beforehand. I also think that everyone's behaviour should be understood as a product of grief and your family's emotional history and, as far as possible, should not be taken personally.

It is sad when families implode after the loss of a parent. I hope that by understanding the reasons for each other's behaviour there can be some forgiveness and, in time, the chance to restore harmony.

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